Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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