I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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