So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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