Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
