So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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