Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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