I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Randomize
