There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
