a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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