Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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