my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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