Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Randomize
