Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize