I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
