I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
