Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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