if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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