Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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