he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
