Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
