Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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