Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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