Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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