Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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