Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
