On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need a beard to bite.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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