I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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