i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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