Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I love having hate sex.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
