Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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