Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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