would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
