I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
