So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i love accidental penises.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
