Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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