if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
