i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
