i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
