and i looked up. we had an audience...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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