I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
