What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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