I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
