i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I need to calm my uterus...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize