Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
