I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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