Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
