a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize