yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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