The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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