Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
