y did u give ur computer a hand job?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
