my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
