Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
