there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
