She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
