omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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