Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize