And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
