i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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