no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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