Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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