Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
