After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
